The Battle of the Pants

So this little tiff between my pants and the fridge is heating up a little.

My pants were kinda used to being No 1. They were parading up and down the street proclaiming their fabulousness. “Look at me” they said “I’ve lost 40 lb and I’m Size 12. I’m beyooootiful.”

Naturally they hadn’t had anything to do with it, the responsibility landed slowly on Gym. Gym though, doesn’t tend to take credit for things. He’s shy and retiring. He sits on his corner and hopes you visit. Pants, however, get around. One minute they’re downtown, next they’re flying to Manhattan, or going skiing.

Unfortunately, Pants have lost their spot. They have been demoted. They were a 12, are passing 14, and on a slow slide to 16. They are no longer sashaying down the street. They are beginning to waddle. Pants are not happy.

Gym, you see, got sidelined. My relationship with him was going along fine, we saw each other regularly, we made each other happy. Then it got cold… really cold. Sub-zero cold, and dark, and Gym doesn’t have heated undercover parking. It became a real effort to visit him. Then Fridge came onto the scene. Fridge is social and friendly. He
turns up every holidays, and I see him at all the holiday parties. He’s a pretty good friend over summer, he likes fruit salads and vegetables and yoghurt. In winter though he really likes to go to town, and throws himself into the holiday mood with creamy potato dishes, desserts, eggnog, cakes, appetizers… he really knows how to make a girl happy.

Not only that, he was right there in my kitchn. I didn’t have to put on special clothes, I didn’t have to go outside in -20’F weather, I didn’t have to drive on icy roads. I could walk 20 paces from the fireplace to the fridge and be back in front of the tv by the end of the first commercial.

It really wasn’t hard to start cheating on Gym at all.

I got the hint and started rekindling my relationship with Gym. I put Fridge on a diet, and reduced our contact hours. Gym recommended his mate Green Tea for when he wasn’t around. Green Tea was a bit weak & watery and didn’t send me to the heights of ecstasy that Fridge and Rich Hot Chocolate With Marshmallows and Whipped Cream did, but he took my mind of things.

Fridge though, doesn’t give up without a fight. “Fine”, he huffed, “if Gym wants to bring in the troops, then so can I”. Fridge enlisted his reinforcements, Pantry, Cupboards and Local-Café-With-Stupendous-Brownies. That last addition was a stroke of strategic brilliance.

The battle had begun.

The ties that bind our toxic relationships

Message from my Sparkpeople friend, KGWINDER


To: TRAVELFAIRY
From: KGWINDER
Date:2/8/2009 - 7:05 AM
Subject:Your pillow...

Dear TRAVELFAIRY,

This is your pillow and I just want you to know I'm always here for you. Sure I've heard the rumors from mirror and scale - well what can I say mirror is just into herself and scale is such a heavy handed - gosh I'd better not lower myself to his level (besides have I told you, that he actually admitted looking up your skirt one day!) -- yes I've known, but I know you so much better than that.

I've heard you dreams and your inner desires. You are ambitious, creative, smart, and you have a face a pillow could always love. Mirror only looks at the surface, I know you at a much deeper level. You've always treated me with respect and kindness and I've gladly cushioned you head (even on those days I had to soak up a few tears). I won't even tell you what I think of Mr. Judgemental flat on the floor like a evil snake, throwing those nasty venom numbers your way. Honey, we've hung out many a night together and I can let him know your fantastic.

So if you need a hug, I'm here for you. If you get anger with the world, go ahead and punch me I can take it and still love you. Or if you just need a rest from it all come and fall into my soft folds. Just remember I am your true friend and every morning I will softly whisper to you how beautiful you are inside and out and then give you a gentle nudge to get moving and have a wonderful day that you can relate to ME at the end of the day.

Your Lofty Friend,
Mr. Fluff E. Pillow (my middle name is after my great great Grandfather Eiderdown)
P.S. I'll talk to pants maybe we can work out a deal if I can hint to you to walk in your dreams

-------------------
So I couldn't help but write back.......

From: TRAVELFAIRY
To: PILLOW
Date: March 4th, 2009
Subject: US

Dear Pillow,

You're awesome.

You know I love you more than all the others. Gym & Fridge might be off again, on again, but I am with you almost every night of the year.

As for Scales, well, I don't blame him. He has to live in the bathroom, and if that isn't bad enough I stand on him butt-naked, first thing in the morning. He's suffered years of excess pounds. I'd be cranky too if I were him.

The problem is, Fridge is just trying to help, he is just very bad at it. I was having a rough time, the Holidays brought up how unhappy I was.... Fridge just wanted to make me feel better. Gym was high maintenance. He needed special clothes, he was closed at times, particularly later at night when I was lonely & miserable, and I had to drive in sub zero temperatures to get to him. Not only that, I had to shower and change afterwards, and he didn't like my dog.

Fridge just sat in my kitchen. He was open all day, and all night. He loved my dog. I could go to him in my pyjamas... he was easy. He was my booty call, and very good at instant gratification.

Unfortunately, like a lot of those booty-call type guys, you find some unpleasant physical changes after you've been reckless…. like abdominal swelling. Unfortunately I also had facial swelling, then thigh & butt swelling. I didn’t get any rashes (this time), but my condition was untreatable with medication and wouldn’t resolve itself in 9 months.

Sometimes, though, the ties that bind our toxic relationships are far stronger than we anticipate. You break up, you swear that it’s all over, that he’s no good for you, that you can do so much better…. And then a few days or weeks later, it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s lonely… he starts calling you, and the next thing you know, you’re back together. That’s me & Fridge in a nutshell.

So Pillow, you’re gonna have to bear with me. It’s a bit of an on again, off again relationship. Fridge is like an ex husband that fathered your children. He has to be in your life, no matter how irritating or difficult he can be, and you just have to find a way to deal with him without going crazy.

Can't wait to see you tonight.

Love
TravelFairy

Koalas (a post for the Americans)

This is too cute for words.

http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1881664,00.html