I've had an affair....

So it's time to come out and admit it.

I've been having an affair with my fridge. It started sometime in November or December, and slowly became more passionate until the recent Christmas break, when it morphed into what could amost be called psychotic infatuation and criminal stalking.

Needless to say I've been neglecting the gym as a result, and the gym, feeling miffed, has decided to take revenge.

The first thing the gym did was tell my pants. My pants and I had really been getting on this year... they were comfy, they fit, I had new ones.... but maybe this was the problem. Maybe my pants were secretly getting nervous that as I'd discarded their predecessors so eagerly, they thought they were heading for the same fate.

So my pants listened to what my gym had to say and decided to take action. THEN they told the scales. The scales were very upset and started saying horrible and nasty things to me. The other day they told me I weight 179 lb, and only a couple of months ago I was 169.

I was unable to conince the scales that my relationship with them should not be impacted my relationships with either the gym, the fridge, or indeed my pants, but my scales are codependent and wouldn't listen.

My pants by this stage had done all this in vain as now I was flirting with their predecessors, and sorely tempted to go back to them full time. My ex-pants were not only more comfortable, they were far nicer to me. This was too much for my normal pants so they told the mirror.

The mirror, never known for its diplomacy, was blunt. It yelled at me "YOU'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE FRIDGE. A BIG, LONG PASSIONATE AFFAIR. LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO EVERYBODY! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"

Every time I walk past the mirror, it yells it. Then of course, being an interconnected species, every other mirror in town got on the bandwagon, and the next thing you know I'm washing my hands at work and the ladies' bathroom mirror yells "YOU FOOD SLUT! I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WITH THE FRIDGE! ONLY A MONTH AGO YOU HAD CHEEKBONES, AND NOW YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN!"

So of course I'm now in the poop with pretty much every household appliance that doesn't live in the kitchen. Half my wardrobe is pissed and none of the mirrors like me.

I've given up. I'm back on my dieting websites, I'm eating pre-cooked, delivered diet food and I'm making hot, sweaty love to the gym most days a week. I've even signed up for a triathlon or two, and if that doesn't work, I'm getting my fridge an industrial sized padlock.