The Battle of the Pants

So this little tiff between my pants and the fridge is heating up a little.

My pants were kinda used to being No 1. They were parading up and down the street proclaiming their fabulousness. “Look at me” they said “I’ve lost 40 lb and I’m Size 12. I’m beyooootiful.”

Naturally they hadn’t had anything to do with it, the responsibility landed slowly on Gym. Gym though, doesn’t tend to take credit for things. He’s shy and retiring. He sits on his corner and hopes you visit. Pants, however, get around. One minute they’re downtown, next they’re flying to Manhattan, or going skiing.

Unfortunately, Pants have lost their spot. They have been demoted. They were a 12, are passing 14, and on a slow slide to 16. They are no longer sashaying down the street. They are beginning to waddle. Pants are not happy.

Gym, you see, got sidelined. My relationship with him was going along fine, we saw each other regularly, we made each other happy. Then it got cold… really cold. Sub-zero cold, and dark, and Gym doesn’t have heated undercover parking. It became a real effort to visit him. Then Fridge came onto the scene. Fridge is social and friendly. He
turns up every holidays, and I see him at all the holiday parties. He’s a pretty good friend over summer, he likes fruit salads and vegetables and yoghurt. In winter though he really likes to go to town, and throws himself into the holiday mood with creamy potato dishes, desserts, eggnog, cakes, appetizers… he really knows how to make a girl happy.

Not only that, he was right there in my kitchn. I didn’t have to put on special clothes, I didn’t have to go outside in -20’F weather, I didn’t have to drive on icy roads. I could walk 20 paces from the fireplace to the fridge and be back in front of the tv by the end of the first commercial.

It really wasn’t hard to start cheating on Gym at all.

I got the hint and started rekindling my relationship with Gym. I put Fridge on a diet, and reduced our contact hours. Gym recommended his mate Green Tea for when he wasn’t around. Green Tea was a bit weak & watery and didn’t send me to the heights of ecstasy that Fridge and Rich Hot Chocolate With Marshmallows and Whipped Cream did, but he took my mind of things.

Fridge though, doesn’t give up without a fight. “Fine”, he huffed, “if Gym wants to bring in the troops, then so can I”. Fridge enlisted his reinforcements, Pantry, Cupboards and Local-Café-With-Stupendous-Brownies. That last addition was a stroke of strategic brilliance.

The battle had begun.