Tales from the Travel Fairy

The Battle of the Pants

2009-03-13T09:33:00.001-07:00

So this little tiff between my pants and the fridge is heating up a little.

My pants were kinda used to being No 1. They were parading up and down the street proclaiming their fabulousness. “Look at me” they said “I’ve lost 40 lb and I’m Size 12. I’m beyooootiful.”

Naturally they hadn’t had anything to do with it, the responsibility landed slowly on Gym. Gym though, doesn’t tend to take credit for things. He’s shy and retiring. He sits on his corner and hopes you visit. Pants, however, get around. One minute they’re downtown, next they’re flying to Manhattan, or going skiing.

Unfortunately, Pants have lost their spot. They have been demoted. They were a 12, are passing 14, and on a slow slide to 16. They are no longer sashaying down the street. They are beginning to waddle. Pants are not happy.

Gym, you see, got sidelined. My relationship with him was going along fine, we saw each other regularly, we made each other happy. Then it got cold… really cold. Sub-zero cold, and dark, and Gym doesn’t have heated undercover parking. It became a real effort to visit him. Then Fridge came onto the scene. Fridge is social and friendly. He
turns up every holidays, and I see him at all the holiday parties. He’s a pretty good friend over summer, he likes fruit salads and vegetables and yoghurt. In winter though he really likes to go to town, and throws himself into the holiday mood with creamy potato dishes, desserts, eggnog, cakes, appetizers… he really knows how to make a girl happy.

Not only that, he was right there in my kitchn. I didn’t have to put on special clothes, I didn’t have to go outside in -20’F weather, I didn’t have to drive on icy roads. I could walk 20 paces from the fireplace to the fridge and be back in front of the tv by the end of the first commercial.

It really wasn’t hard to start cheating on Gym at all.

I got the hint and started rekindling my relationship with Gym. I put Fridge on a diet, and reduced our contact hours. Gym recommended his mate Green Tea for when he wasn’t around. Green Tea was a bit weak & watery and didn’t send me to the heights of ecstasy that Fridge and Rich Hot Chocolate With Marshmallows and Whipped Cream did, but he took my mind of things.

Fridge though, doesn’t give up without a fight. “Fine”, he huffed, “if Gym wants to bring in the troops, then so can I”. Fridge enlisted his reinforcements, Pantry, Cupboards and Local-Café-With-Stupendous-Brownies. That last addition was a stroke of strategic brilliance.

The battle had begun.

The ties that bind our toxic relationships

2009-03-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

Message from my Sparkpeople friend, KGWINDER

To: TRAVELFAIRY
From: KGWINDER
Date:2/8/2009 - 7:05 AM
Subject:Your pillow...

Dear TRAVELFAIRY,

This is your pillow and I just want you to know I'm always here for you. Sure I've heard the rumors from mirror and scale - well what can I say mirror is just into herself and scale is such a heavy handed - gosh I'd better not lower myself to his level (besides have I told you, that he actually admitted looking up your skirt one day!) -- yes I've known, but I know you so much better than that.

I've heard you dreams and your inner desires. You are ambitious, creative, smart, and you have a face a pillow could always love. Mirror only looks at the surface, I know you at a much deeper level. You've always treated me with respect and kindness and I've gladly cushioned you head (even on those days I had to soak up a few tears). I won't even tell you what I think of Mr. Judgemental flat on the floor like a evil snake, throwing those nasty venom numbers your way. Honey, we've hung out many a night together and I can let him know your fantastic.

So if you need a hug, I'm here for you. If you get anger with the world, go ahead and punch me I can take it and still love you. Or if you just need a rest from it all come and fall into my soft folds. Just remember I am your true friend and every morning I will softly whisper to you how beautiful you are inside and out and then give you a gentle nudge to get moving and have a wonderful day that you can relate to ME at the end of the day.

Your Lofty Friend,
Mr. Fluff E. Pillow (my middle name is after my great great Grandfather Eiderdown)
P.S. I'll talk to pants maybe we can work out a deal if I can hint to you to walk in your dreams

-------------------
So I couldn't help but write back.......

From: TRAVELFAIRY
To: PILLOW
Date: March 4th, 2009
Subject: US

Dear Pillow,

You're awesome.

You know I love you more than all the others. Gym & Fridge might be off again, on again, but I am with you almost every night of the year.

As for Scales, well, I don't blame him. He has to live in the bathroom, and if that isn't bad enough I stand on him butt-naked, first thing in the morning. He's suffered years of excess pounds. I'd be cranky too if I were him.

The problem is, Fridge is just trying to help, he is just very bad at it. I was having a rough time, the Holidays brought up how unhappy I was.... Fridge just wanted to make me feel better. Gym was high maintenance. He needed special clothes, he was closed at times, particularly later at night when I was lonely & miserable, and I had to drive in sub zero temperatures to get to him. Not only that, I had to shower and change afterwards, and he didn't like my dog.

Fridge just sat in my kitchen. He was open all day, and all night. He loved my dog. I could go to him in my pyjamas... he was easy. He was my booty call, and very good at instant gratification.

Unfortunately, like a lot of those booty-call type guys, you find some unpleasant physical changes after you've been reckless…. like abdominal swelling. Unfortunately I also had facial swelling, then thigh & butt swelling. I didn’t get any rashes (this time), but my condition was untreatable with medication and wouldn’t resolve itself in 9 months.

Sometimes, though, the ties that bind our toxic relationships are far stronger than we anticipate. You break up, you swear that it’s all over, that he’s no good for you, that you can do so much better…. And then a few days or weeks later, it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s lonely… he starts calling you, and the next thing you know, you’re back together. That’s me & Fridge in a nutshell.

So Pillow, you’re gonna have to bear with me. It’s a bit of an on again, off again relationship. Fridge is like an ex husband that fathered your children. He has to be in your life, no matter how irritating or difficult he can be, and you just have to find a way to deal with him without going crazy.

Can't wait to see you tonight.

Love
TravelFairy

Koalas (a post for the Americans)

2009-02-26T15:04:00.000-08:00

This is too cute for words.

http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1881664,00.html

Chocolate Souffle Recipe

2009-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

from Gourmet Traveller, ACP Publishing Limited, 2003

Ingredients

50g soft butter, plus extra for greasing
2 tablespoons caster sugar
2 tablespoons plain flour
1 tablespoon cocoa
1/2 cup milk
75g caster sugar (extra)
75g dark couverture chocolate, chopped
4 eggs, separated
icing sugar, for dusting

Instructions

Grease four 1 cup capacity ramekins, coat with caster sugar, shaking out excess, then place ramekins on an oven tray

Melt butter in a small saucepan until foamy, then add flour and cocoa and cook, stirring continuously for 1 minute. Remove pan from heat and gradually whisk in milk until combined, then stir continuously over medium heat until mixture boils and thickens. Remove from heat, add extra sugar and stir until dissolved, then transfer mixture to a bowl.

Melt chocolate in a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, then stir into milk mixture with egg yolks until well combined.

Using an electric mixer, whisk egg whites until soft peaks form. Stir 1/4 of the egg whites through the chocolate mixture to lighten, then using a large metal spoon, fold in remaining egg whites until just combined. Divide mixture among prepared ramekins and smooth tops.

Cook at 190C for 18-20 ins or until puffed.

Serve immediately dusted with icing sugar.

I've had an affair....

2009-01-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

So it's time to come out and admit it.

I've been having an affair with my fridge. It started sometime in November or December, and slowly became more passionate until the recent Christmas break, when it morphed into what could amost be called psychotic infatuation and criminal stalking.

Needless to say I've been neglecting the gym as a result, and the gym, feeling miffed, has decided to take revenge.

The first thing the gym did was tell my pants. My pants and I had really been getting on this year... they were comfy, they fit, I had new ones.... but maybe this was the problem. Maybe my pants were secretly getting nervous that as I'd discarded their predecessors so eagerly, they thought they were heading for the same fate.

So my pants listened to what my gym had to say and decided to take action. THEN they told the scales. The scales were very upset and started saying horrible and nasty things to me. The other day they told me I weight 179 lb, and only a couple of months ago I was 169.

I was unable to conince the scales that my relationship with them should not be impacted my relationships with either the gym, the fridge, or indeed my pants, but my scales are codependent and wouldn't listen.

My pants by this stage had done all this in vain as now I was flirting with their predecessors, and sorely tempted to go back to them full time. My ex-pants were not only more comfortable, they were far nicer to me. This was too much for my normal pants so they told the mirror.

The mirror, never known for its diplomacy, was blunt. It yelled at me "YOU'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE FRIDGE. A BIG, LONG PASSIONATE AFFAIR. LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO EVERYBODY! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"

Every time I walk past the mirror, it yells it. Then of course, being an interconnected species, every other mirror in town got on the bandwagon, and the next thing you know I'm washing my hands at work and the ladies' bathroom mirror yells "YOU FOOD SLUT! I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WITH THE FRIDGE! ONLY A MONTH AGO YOU HAD CHEEKBONES, AND NOW YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN!"

So of course I'm now in the poop with pretty much every household appliance that doesn't live in the kitchen. Half my wardrobe is pissed and none of the mirrors like me.

I've given up. I'm back on my dieting websites, I'm eating pre-cooked, delivered diet food and I'm making hot, sweaty love to the gym most days a week. I've even signed up for a triathlon or two, and if that doesn't work, I'm getting my fridge an industrial sized padlock.

General Updates

2006-05-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

Delighted to report that I have been recognised as an Australian not once, but several times in the last couple of months. Of course, they're all people who have been there, or who have Aussie relatives but it's a blessed relief. Then again, yesterday somebody swore blind I was French. French?

Slow News Day

2006-01-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

The Sydney Morning Herald has been having a slow news week. Today they ran a story about a youth leader who broke his leg in 2 places after trying to kick “one of the largest huntsman spiders he had ever seen”

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/teen-breaks-leg-killing-spider/2006/01/12/1136956281336.html

Thank goodness he wasn’t trying to kick a poodle. It might have killed him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was even worse, they ran a job profile on an “Animal Communicator” who hires herself out to pet owners so she can speak to their animals telepathically. She calls herself “an interpreter for the animal kingdom”.

http://radar.smh.com.au/archives/2006/01/animal_telepath_1.html

An excerpt from the interview is below:

When did you realise you could communicate with animals?
The neighbour's cats began to draw me in. I started hearing words, getting pictures and feeling their emotions. I was speaking to them. I thought I must be crazy. But when I was at a beach, some dolphins started talking to me. They were very advanced. They talked about the future and the environment and how to be aware of nature.

Which species have you conversed with?
Dogs, cats, horses, dolphins, flying foxes in a rescue shelter, crocodiles, yaks, giraffes - you name it. Mosquitoes don't listen to me ... but bees are really interesting to speak to.

This was the most amusing thing I read all day. Always nice to know that there are people who make my family look normal.

I have just one question – it’s all fine & dandy that the animals can talk to her, but can she please ask my dog to leave the room when she wants to fart?

Funny Things Americans have said to me.....

2006-01-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

"Are kangaroos green?" (member of my running club)

“Sydney. That’s…. um….. that’s…. er. That’s in Australia, right?” (Checkout chick @ Target)

"What's this?" (pointing to an advocado) (another member of my running club)

Do you have amusement parks in Australia? (the bf)

"I recognise your accent! You're Irish! I love Ireland! I lived there for 3 months!" (girl at Pizza parlour)

and the best one of all........

“I’m sorry, I only speak English” (IT Helpdesk)

(and yes, English was his second language)